A Wall Full of Nothing

I don’t really care that it’s your birthday.  Facebook always makes sure I always know but I’m probably not going to post on your wall.  You won’t notice I’m not among the well-wishers.

This is because I almost never post anything ever on Facebook, I’m basically a crotchety old man trapped in this hot young body waiting till the day I can be grumpy and complain about emojis and snapchat and have it just be accepted cause I’m old.  Looking at my wall it’s a few pics from a trip and a check in at a concert.  Also because I don’t really care that it’s your birthday.

However, when it comes to my birthday I expect a wall full of messages from people I haven’t seen in years who are all much more settled and adulty with their kids and backyards and mortgages. I expect to be lavished with praise and congratulations for successfully completing another year by continuing to be alive.  In return I shall like your post.  That is all.

But when it came to this most recent mid-life crisis birthday, there was nothing.

A few texts or Whatsap messages but a wall full of nothing.

It was a little bit unsettling, had all these years of not caring finally caught up on me and my friend list made a simultaneous and unanimous decision to spurn me?  Had I forgotten the date of my own birthday and started checking too early?  Had the internet broken?

All these fears rushed through my head, until I read a message from my cousin.  She wished me a happy birthday and commented that for some reason she couldn’t post on my wall.

Whoops my bad, I had put it on a setting that meant no one could write on my wall full stop so all the thousands of well-wishers weren’t able to send me their heartfelt messages as I entered a new decade of my life.

How it got on that setting was all my doing.  Basically it was because I overthink things too much and wanted to have complete control over what goes on my wall and how all these people I don’t care about see me and judge me.  It was mainly because I moved to London and immediately started being gay on arrival while also finally accepting my mums friend request.  So for a while there were two separate worlds, my London world where people knew I was gay and my home world were people knew cause they guessed but it hadn’t been spoken about.  This duel world lead to a paranoia of someone from London world posting something gay related and my mum and the rest of home world finding out via facebook.  So it went the way of nobody can post anything ever, and for good reason, I’m looking at you guy who checked me into that terrible gay night club with the doof doof music and dark corners whose check in approval is still in my inbox waiting never to be approved.

When I changed to this setting I thought to myself ‘you must remember to turn it off when it gets close to your birthday so you can accumulate all the wishes and store them in a jar’.  Obviously this didn’t happen and I’ll never know how my primary school friends feel about me turning 30, find out who the true friends are and who is just lurking on Facebook to observe and judge.

Post Birthday Wall Drama 2016 I’ve changed the setting so that anyone can check me in anywhere and post away, like my flatmate who posts random videos which my mums friends then comment on.  I care less, because I’m happier.  My worlds are more overlapped, like a Venn diagram of home and London with people who know I’m gay in the middle getting slowly and slowly bigger.  I’m blogging away to the whole world letting my thoughts loose, all be it under a mask of anonymity.

On Facebook I still post vary rarely, but that’s mainly because I don’t think my day to day life is interesting enough to keep the world informed of every detail.  If I post something its because I really love it, find it really cool.  If I comment its cause what you have posted affected me in some way.  If I even like its cause what you have posted is brilliant or moving or just simply sticks its head above the chaff of baby photos and motivational quotes.  I’m selective in what I say, so when I say something it means more.  But still honestly, feel free to wish me a happy birthday, you have got 11 months to work on your post.  I promise you won’t be blocked.

Bewildered Observer

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