A Severe Case of the Hurts

I broke up with my boyfriend last night.

For this to happen I had to have a boyfriend to start with, he was my first one.  That makes last night my first breakup.

I’m not quite sure what to do now.  It wasn’t a big messy breakup; no fighting, no yelling, no secret affairs.  Instead it was a conversation, communicating what we both had been thinking, that we loved giving our time to each other but maybe we were just not right for each other, not meant to be.

We had talked of  before about how we are quite different from each other but at those moments we decided that it didn’t matter.  I’m not sure what made last night the night when it did matter.

There is no hatred or anger just sadness that this romantic part of our relationship has come to an end.  I think it was more about releasing each other to allow us both to see if there is that someone out there who is ‘the one’, than about wanting to end it and not be in each others lives anymore.

We have said we will remain friends, I truly with all my heart hope we do.  He has been such a great presence in my life for the last 8 months, bringing me joy and knowledge and comfort within myself that it would be too much to lose him entirely from my life.  I hope he feels that I added something to his life too, I think he did based on our shared tears and sad faces.

We have been messaging since we said goodbye last night to make sure each other is ok.  He feels that it was his fault, it wasn’t at all, not in any way.  It was a beautiful, thoughtful decision that hurts and neither of us is sure is right but was the result of us sharing what we were thinking and feeling and accepting those emotions.

Now there is a slight emptiness, I keep thinking about him, not quite sure what I’m meant to be doing right now.  I tend to be quite a detached person and I didn’t know I could care for someone so much or feel such pain in a decision that is probably best for both of us.

For the entirety of this relationship we have both been happy in the moment and in each others presence but I don’t know that either of us felt that we were supposed to grow old in each others arms.  I do however want to watch him grow old, see him be happy and achieve the great things his beautiful mind is overly capable of achieving.  So for now we need a little space to think and hurt and process but it’s not the end of our story just yet, there is a friendship and companionship there we now need to find a new way to embrace.

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